My name is Terri McGogo and I'm here to talk to you about the abuse and murder of one of our species' greatest modern pals, the elephant. My history teacher Mrs. Packinham says that I need an outlet to channel my rage about elephant poaching, because we have passed that unit many months ago and it's no longer appropriate to bring up every day in class discussion. I agree with her: Mrs. Packinham hates innocent creatures and condones their slaughter.
Words are meaningless tools that convey thoughts, especially when the subject you're trying to talk about is murder. So, I will stop using these barbarous symbols that we humans created, and just show you.
Here are elephants 15 years ago:
Here are elephants today:
Yes, my folk. They are being tortured, maimed, and slaughtered.
Feast your eyes upon the elephant in the room: The elephant that's so invisible to you, you've invented it into a phrase that allows you to sit complacently by while poachers rip tusks from their faces.
How would you like to have your teeth ripped from your face? It's happened to me before. My dentist was examining my teeth when he entered a seizure. And let me tell you, it hurts. There is little pain that comes close.
But unlike me, these elephants don't have parents who can legally squeeze the dentist office dry for their money after neglecting to mention a preexisting medical condition. That's where we need to come in.
My math teacher Mr. Odonte recently taught us how to do proofs and I love them. Let us do a mathematical proof regarding your lack of involvement in saving elephants:
1. If a cultural trend exists, it means that many individuals within the culture commit this trend.
2. A common trend in the modern United States is to not take action to save elephants.
3. Therefore, there are a lot of individuals not taking action to save elephants.
4. In 1692, it was a common trend to report and hunt people who were erroneously found to be witches.
5. Therefore, in 1692 there were a lot of individuals who followed the socially acceptable trend and burned witches.
6. Therefore, if you are an individual in modern America who ignores elephant genocides, then in 1692 you would have burned witches.
I'm sorry to have had to wield the force of irrefutable logic to make you wake up, but sometimes a cold shower in the face is the best way to get someone out of bed, my Mom used to tell my Dad pre-AA. If I don't say it, everybody else won't.
How do you stop poaching? Legislation. Awareness. Boycotting ivory. These are all terrible ideas because they take way too long and don't address the fundamental problem: The poachers.
In order to stop a predator, you have to beat them at their own game. I have devised a handful of easy-to-devise, low-budget Saw-style horrific scenarios we can lure poachers into so they can eat what they dish out. One involves some of the expensive dental equipment my family got in the lawsuit, after the dentists' office ran out of funds to pay their court-ordered repercussions to me. They're light-weight, easy to travel, and can pluck the nerve endings inside of humans' mouths like a fine-tuned harp. Time to play.
You're so into gay rights, but what about gray rights? If you took the time to read this blog, then shame on you for taking time to read this blog, when you could have been flying to Africa to save elephants, or in my case, begging my heartless parents for a ticket to Ethiopia. (It will happen soon. I'm doing a hunger strike and I'm already into day 7 and I feel awesome).
If you're not stampeding to save our big eared friends, then shame on you. Tusk tusk. -Terri McGogo
The word "sustainable" isn't very sustainable. Its original definition has a big ol' gaping ozone hole, where its logic used to be. It's become so versatile, people can apply it to practically anything, leading to some pretty amusing green fails.
Let's take a gander at a few ways people have taken the need to preserve Mother Earth and dumped a big old landfill over it.
"Green" has become advertisers' gold. Fool's gold, really. Just like the word "sustainability," it's too vague to be considered false advertising, so products and commercials constantly re-use it like a recycled pop can.
For example, consider the peppy-face actors in the above commercial who patronizingly point to their green-colored product, look at you right in the eyes, and spoon you a helping of the following bull mess, "It's a green thing. It's definitely a green thing." Yes, ladies. It is a green thing. You'd make lovely kindergarten teachers.
They've branded the OrGreenic Kitchenware as "green" because it doesn't use the FDA-banned toxic substance PFOA. Only in American advertising can a negative so seamlessly be a positive. It's like saying, "Well, I didn't commit crimes today, so I'm spreading world peace."
But better yet, OrGreenic Kitchenware actually has the gallstones to do the very opposite. Their main selling point -- the non-stick coating made of "Mother Nature's ceramic" as they say, is in fact an inorganic material.
#3: The Helios House: a LEED-Certified Gas Station
I can't even take credit for finding this gem. It was presented to me in a class I took at the Chicago Center for Green Technology. Take a look for yourself.
This is the Helios House from L.A, an ARCO gas station that has been certified with a coveted L.E.E.D. certification, the most widely recognized certification in the country for environmentally-friendly structures. AHHHH. What?
The owner of this gas station is surely a genius. It's like saying, "No animals were harmed in the production of this bear trap." Good thing you got gas today. The Earth needed it.
This goes to prove the larger an institution is, such as the U.S.G.B.C, that awards the L.E.E.D. certification, the more full of bull mess they inevitably are. But at least bull mess is fully biodegradable.
This is classic. This website's green philosophy is... use as much gas as possible!
PlantsNeedCO2.org has done the brave and selfless thing so many other organizations have failed to do: Stand up for those poor, misunderstood fossil fuels.
Thanks for this informative website, I'm super relieved to learn that as my SUV 4-wheeler had been farting gas right into plants' faces, I was actually saving the planet. It's great news for me, because now I get to redirect my Catholic guilt onto bigger and better things.
Boy, am I stoked. Not only do I get to gas guzzle to my heart's content but since CO2 is so conducive to Earth's atmopshere, I've created my very own gas-fueled plant garden within my very home! My plants grow directly underneath my water heater exhaust pipe, which I've disassembled so that the beautiful, natural CO2 now flows directly into my own home. They're growing great. Instead of that sickly green color most plants develop, mine have a robust, healthy shade of brown, much like the dirt they were born in that I tore them out of. And since I've started pummeling CO2 directly into my own home, I feel great too! For example, as I type this right now, everything's getting all shiny and rainbowy, which is simply fun. I love when my brain is buzzy. It's like always flying in an airplane. WHEE!
There are other websites like it, too, such as http://carbon-sense.com and http://www.co2science.org, both of which I'm guessing have one hand designing their website, and their other hand fumbling around inside the oil companys' pants.
Even representative John Shimkus of my fine state, Illinois, shares a similar opinion:
What a hero.
Believe it or not, these liars are actually buttressed by factual data that shows plants do, in fact, increase growth and crop yield from an increase in atmospheric CO2. Many scientists do not even classify CO2 as an air pollutant because it is a naturally occuring gas, and one that is integral to our creation as a planet and species. Without it, we wouldn't even be alive. (Source.)
So are these whack-jobs right? Heck no! Haven't you ever heard of the phrase, Too much of a good thing? Even water can kill you if you drink too much of it. Oh yeah, speaking of water -- increased CO2 is projected to decrease our water supply. (Source.) And plants sorta... need water. I myself have become quite fond of it, too.
In addition, increased CO2 is believed to be the reason species on the planet are now dying out at a rate of 10 times greater than in the recent past, causes global warming, increases droughts, and may cause sea levels to rise, among other harmful impacts. (Source 1 and Source 2)
So congratulations, PlantsNeedCO2.org. I hope you get your wish!! I'll see you underwater.
#1 -- Germany
Germany, you are one giant green fail. And oh, so epic.
As does any epic fail, this one started out with best of intentions: To reduce greenhouse gas emissions, and increase reliance on renewable energy.
Germany planned to rely on nuclear power during the amount of years it would take for them to rely fully on wind and solar power. But then the tragic 2009 tsunami in Japan hit, and oh boy, Merkel went running for the hills. She shut down all nuclear power plants, in fear that the same thing would happen to Germany. As a result, electricity prices skyrocketed and thousands of people lost their jobs. It now costs 3 times as much for electricity there as it does in America. It destabilized their grid, and nearly deindustrialized their energy industry. Deindustrialized! When have you ever even heard that word? In addition, because Germany shut down its nuclear power plants, it went back to using coal energy, which increased its carbon emissions! But, don't worry, Germany. When the sun dries up all our water and food, we'll tell the ozone layer that you meant well.
So how can our understanding of sustainability sustain itself? Always question. Whether it's an advertiser, politician, or a third-party working for the aforementioned, always question what they tell you. There is a lot of money to be made on either side of the sustainability debate. When you hear the word sustainable, think to yourself, what exactly is being sustained? And who is doing the sustaining? If you can't answer both of these questions, then bail. If you can't stand the heat, then turn off the energy in the kitchen.
FX sure does have some big cahones, don't they? They were the the Nip/Tuck network, after all. Ever since that show, their gahookas seemed to be surgically enhanced, 'cause they're taking chances left and right. And with the latest season of their show Louie, starring comedian Louis. C.K, those risks are paying off. Louie is anything but a typical sitcom. Unlike cookie-cutter sitcoms that seem to plague television (ahem, ahem TVLand original sitcoms...) Louie is an anomaly. It often veers off the straight narrative episodic structure and presents randomly clumped together scenes from a given day in the life of Louie. It's like a painting that allows its viewers to make meaning out of it. (But not in a self-important way, like most painters.)
Season 4, while still a hilarious season, had many moments of drama. While many people criticized the season for straying too far from pure comedy, we think it's brilliant and refreshing to see a show that allows creativity to dominate. With many series, you can feel the stench of the network's throats breathing down upon their writers (ahem, ahem TVLand original sitcoms) and it's a wonder many of those shows even have any creativity left. Many don't (ahem, ahem TVLand).
So as an ode to Louie's free verse, here are the 5 best dramatic moments of Louie, Season 4!
#5 Episode 6: Elevator Part 3
No words to say. Bee-yootiful!
#4
Episode 4: Elevator Part 1
The first half of this episode is a slice of every parent's nightmare: Louie's youngest daughter separates herself from him on the subway. The next few minutes become so tense you'll be squirming in your seat, as Louie panics, has to wait for the train to reach the next stop, runs to the other platform, waits for the train going in the opposite direction, runs up and across the street, and hurtles back down to the platform where his daughter stranded herself.
The scene ends with Louie and his baby mama each separately expounding the horrors of the real world into her.
"It's a dangerous world! Kids get stolen and they disappear forever, Jane! This is real! Bad things happen....! Go ahead and cry, that's right, that's what you should be doing. You should be scared and crying."
The episode tugs at the heartstrings: the child's loss of innocence, and the unfortunate fact that parents have to strike fear into their children's hearts in order to protect them. Brilliant, Louie, brilliant.
#3
Episode 10: Pamela Part 1
Now here's an interesting scene. Louie goes on the rebound and sees Pamela again. In an attempt to win her over, he tries to "take control" and wrestles her against the wall and demands that she kiss him. She protests, "No, no, no!" and "I don't like it!" and even tells him, "You can't even rape well!" Believe it or not, it is a rather humorous scene but the fact that it gets so far into the territory of non-consensual relations, gives it an edge of horror to it.
#2 Episode 3: So Did the Fat Lady
Actress Sarah Baker plays a memorable role, as a comedy club worker who flirts with Louie. But Louie isn't into her, and in the end of the episode she addresses the real reason why, the reason that was on all of our minds while watching it: she's fat. With casting directors throwing parts at the tightest, skinniest actresses (and often confusingly pairing them up with the most rotund as possible male companions, as though it's what nature intended), the issue of fat women in America is rarely addressed. And it's done beautifully, in a fantastic monologue by actress Sarah Baker. Once again, Louie takes us where most sitcoms don't dare tread.
#1 Episode 11: In the Woods
Most sitcoms would snatch up marijuana as a comical plotline. Take any scenario and mix the green stuff in, and it's gonna be funny. Many have tried it, from the likes of Roseanne all the way to The Sarah Silverman Program. But Louie'sepisode "In the Woods" shines a different light on it.
A young Louie being manhandled by a scumbag drug dealer from his neighborhood
Louie catches his daughter smoking pot which sets off a flashback to his middle school years, when he gets in deep trouble for stealing $3000 worth of scales from his school to buy pot. Meanwhile, his relationship with his unstable mother reaches a fever pitch, his absent father visits him and Louie tells him to "Fuck off," and, his drug dealer pushes him against the wall by his throat, "Do I have to cut off your goddamn finger and shove it up your ass?" Yikes. (No thank you.)
What do we take away from these unexpected dramatic moments? That comedy can't live without drama. That a show focusing only on the funny moments in life may not be telling the whole story. That behind the joke, is a heart.
So here's to Louis C.K. and all the genre dippers out there, that have the balls for their commercialized product to stay an art. I applaud Louis C.K. for creating a T.V. show that just is what it is.
Are you an up-and-coming actor? Loaded with talent? Hungry for roles and brains?
Then join us at The Walking Dead as a Walker! The Zombies on our show are, by far, the most talented actors on camera, and the only reason this show gets any ratings at all!
Graduated Julliard acting school, top of her class, gave the performance of a lifetime in Season 2, episode 10
The Walkers are the sole reason people still watch Walking Dead! It's just like Lost -- we like to pretend people watch us for our acting or writing, but it totally isn't! After all, our writing is thinner than a Thai prostitute, and with more gaping holes!! But don't break our illusion. We like being up our own butts! It's warm there.
So why not become a Walker, where you'll go through 11 hours of makeup, give a grueling performance, get stabbed through the head, and receive exactly zero acting credits!
** Note: If you don't have the talent to pull of playing a Walker, then don't worry: we'll put you in the main cast where your lack of talent will fit in perfectly!!
African American males, however, will have to wait until the current black guy dies, of course. Right now we're at Tyrone, and he's been on for a while, so it shouldn't be too long now!
And if you DO have incredible talent and somehow make it to the main cast, don't worry. Our ingenious team of writers will find a way to put you back into the role you belong!!
Apply today! Send your resume and head shot to BrainsBrainsBrains@AMC.com. And by "head shot," we mean a picture of what your head looks like shot.
Join us at The Walking Dead, the series that is only on TV thanks to our makeup team and zombie extras. You could almost say that our show is a Walker: still kicking, even after being totally devoid of life and personality for years. We hope to hear from you!
